Addicted To Adoption: "Drugs Don't Hurt Anybody"

Addicted To Adoption: "Drugs Don't Hurt Anybody"

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/allaboutme_n_you/

~angelbites~ Blog

~angelbrites~ Story

My first memories are of my father, unfortunately there are no real good ones... I could hardly believe that they were true until many years later I spoke it out loud and my sister surprised with her knowledge of the same things I talked about.

One was of my father skinning a cat, and the other was of a little dog or puppy being tied behind our car and dragged along behind it. Despite all this I was always told by my father’s relatives that he was an extremely good father, and that he especially loved me because I was his eldest.

My earliest significant memory other than Dad being cruel to animals is memory is of going to my Pop’s place and seeing an ambulance outside the place and a couple of police cars... Mum told us to stay in the car; I remember looking out the back window and seeing her bury her face in her hands... Dad had taken an overdose and succeeded, he was dead... Apparently he put a heavy cupboard in front of the door so no one could get in , but in his final moments tried to get out and couldn’t..

I mention this early age memory because I think it had enough of an impact to have a defining impact on my whole life. My Uncle, Mum’s brother, all of our favourite one, (because he used to take us motorbike riding & so forth) shot himself in his Dad’s workshop; this was another defining moment for me... He lived close by and his loss was felt by all of us.

The next person to commit suicide was my sister’s boyfriend and my good friend, Jason. He became catatonic after listening to the church he was attending tell him that he didn’t need his meds anymore that he was of a sound mind and body... I still feel to this day the church was mainly responsible for his death... He jumped off a cliff at the gorge when my sister had just had his baby, he got to hold my nephew once...

I have three sisters, Kelly, Felicity & Donna (Donna was born out of my Mum’s second marriage). I wasn’t and am not as close to Donna as I would like to be, she is a lovely girl, but just after she was born I ran away from home (I was 12 years old).

Just prior to this I had gone to a high school girlfriend’s place to seek some help. My home life was very turbulent; I had an exemption from the school principal to leave school half way through grade 8. I started working at a take away shop but got fired when I put my hand through a glass window at the council chambers because I was mad & hurting or maybe they finally figured out that I was stealing money from them every chance that I got. Anyway this girlfriend wasn’t home and the brother offered to walk me home, he raped me behind a local church on the way. When I got home the police were already there because mum had called them even though she kicked me out and I didn’t even think to tell them about the rape.

Anyway I was not getting along with our stepfather at all, he used to punch into me and do stuff like only let us speak for 3 minutes on the phone, not let us use the hair dryer but he used to use it on his car, to a teenage girl this was torture. Our lounge room where we all would congregate was never a place of family fun, we were all intimidated by Gary our stepfather and if we tried to talk or started laughing he would always reprimand us harshly.

I hated my stepfather with a passion, much more strongly than Kelly and Felicity did. I guess I was older and could understand more. He and Mum used to party ever other night, all of Gary’s drunkard friends would come out to the country where we lived and party. I used to cringe and cower in my bed and cry, I’m not sure why I used to cry so much but I always felt a deep sadness even from a really young age. A couple of Gary’s friends tried to molest me but Mum and Gary were good enough to make sure it didn’t actually happen.

Mum still wasn’t a bad Mum, she looked after all our needs, it was just emotionally that I wanted her and she was never there for us in this way, I don’t even know if she was capable. Around the end of primary school we moved to a small suburb, but it was huge for us country girls, she put us in a very strict Christian school and cleaned their toilets to pay for us to go. I rebelled at going to this school so much so that I got us all un enrolled and all enrolled in the Public high school.

From here on in things went really downhill for me. I emulated the most popular kids in my grade and soon was hanging out with them daily, if they took a risk I would always go one better. I was stupid. The high school principal soon gave me an exemption from attending school at all because of my extreme violence towards the other students and just wagging etc.

Things were bad at home, I ran away around 12 the first time not for long, but I never settled back in at home, I would sneak out and go into the city all hours of the night, hitchhiking in there. Then I would run away, I ran away with a girlfriend about 300kms away to the opposite end of the state and managed to evade authorities for about 4 months, they were a tough few months, then I got caught by the police and put in a home for troubled teens. It was so strict, I hated it. I rebelled from the first moment I got there and it was a continual struggle between me and the staff. They had ways and means though, for instance making us stand up all night underneath a clock or getting put out the back in a cell and actually having to use a toothbrush on the walls

When I got out I was no longer welcome home, and had a stay with my rich Aunt and Uncle, they were very kind and gave me a little granny flat at the bottom of their house I loved it but I stuffed it all up by stealing from them to get cigarettes and trying to commit suicide, when they came to pick me up at the police station that was the last straw for them. I then went to stay with my Nan for a while, but basically the same type of things happened and it wasn’t long before I wasn’t welcome there. No school would have me, not even at my social workers request; I made sure of that anyway!

Then I went on to stay at foster home after foster home, time and time again. Some places were nice and some were downright mean, and I was a scared little teenager acting like she didn’t give a shit about anything or anyone.

I ended up moving in with my 26 yr old cousin in Hobart and we partied like there was no tomorrow, I feel really bad when I look back on it because she had 3 beautiful children that were so neglected it wasn’t funny. We never had any food, I was always so hungry and I would wake up in the morning and there would be glass smashed all over the floor and it would be a pig sty. I would try to at least clean up the class before the 3 kids got up.

Me and Tania, my cousin used to go out all the time to clubs, I was only 14 but I had a great figure and never was asked for id at a club, wearing Tania’s short mini dresses and high heels, this was a time of great promisciouity for me more so than any other time. I thought every guy meant it when he said he loved me, but of course I was to learn the hard way this wasn’t true. I remember going out in to The lounge room, Tania’s bedroom and finding her involved in a threesome this was a huge shock to me. Our shed was so full of empty beer bottles the council had to come around numerous times to get us to clean up, we ended up being evicted from there and many other places.

I put a guys head through the wall in that house, I only had one possession that was a jewellery box my mum had given me for my birthday and he smashed it deliberately while drunk, I just saw red and put a guy who far outweighed me and outstood me head through the wall, he didn’t mess with me again.

I was getting into trouble all this time for assaults mainly and some shoplifting. We had gangs in Hobart come into our house get drunk and smash the whole place to smithereens, not even a phone was left in the wall and I would have to run to the phone box, con the operator to give me a free call because I didn’t have the forty cents to call and ring Tania’s Mum and Dad to come and get the children.

It was there that I met the father to Shaylene, my daughter now who is 18. We ended up moving in together and I got work at a local take away shop, it was good for a little while, then the violence started and at first I was probably equally violent back. Then it got worse, and the work was taking a toll on me, I was soon to find out that was because I was pregnant. When I found out I quit the job and moved in with my Nan again. Things were better this time I told myself because I had found God again and was living the Christian life.

John Shays father begged for me to come back but I was determined not to let her grow up in violence and refused, I then move 300kms back home to the north of the state and moved into a flat on my own. My Mum and stepfather wouldn’t let me stay there because by this time I had hep B from a homemade tattoo. I used to feel dirty and ashamed all of the time.

Well I thrived in my little flat alone, I read my Bible every day I prayed, I was content and actually felt some happiness, I had everything read for my baby to come and I couldn’t wait. Everyone commented on the change in me but I was still only 15 yrs old.

I had Shaylene and the following 6 months were probably the best ones of my life, I was alone with her, cherishing her every action, just doting on her, she was my everything, her and God. Then I moved into a housing public sector house and my younger sister moved in with me because she also couldn’t stand it at home and Mum was quite happy to see us go. Things were OK for a short while but my sis was going off the rails, just like I had previously and there were a few parties, but Shaylene was cherish and adored by both me and my sister.

Then I met my soon to be husband, it was just after I got a small settlement of a few thousand dollars for breaking my legs in a car accident when I was a baby. I bought all home goods for the house and a car, my first car. Then I drove down to Hobart to see relatives and ended up meeting Tony, my husband to be. He came back with me to L’ton and pretty much started beating and raping me as soon as he moved in.

I have no idea why I stayed, or maybe I do but I just feel sick at the memories and don’t want to dwell on them. He became extremely violent to me throughout our four year marriage, he did stuff like perforate my ear drum, crushed my muscle in my back, just really cruel stuff. He sold everything that I had bought and my car and took me and Shaylene up to Qld about 3 states away from home.

When I fell pregnant with my son he let us go home, move there I mean, he must have been feeling more confident now I was pregnant with his child.

Joel was 8 week premature, my waters broke on a public bus and I didn’t know what to do so I just got off at the next stop and started crying, the ambulance came and I was flown down to Hobart to have him, they knew something was wrong but hadn’t told me at this point.

He was born prem and with gastroschisis, it is where all the bowels are born outside his body instead of in, he had 3 operations within the first week of his life we could have lost him but he was a little fighter! The main things I remember after I had him was Tony slapping me hard around the face for something in the hospital and then forcing me to have sex with him again way to early. He was a pig.

Soon after we moved back to Tassie well maybe half a year we split up but got back together again and the rest of the history with us is that he took Joel our son when he left, he kept on the run with him until the court date, he told the court that I had the outlaws after him, I didn’t. He lied and lied, but he also subpoenaed my hospital files got all my records, showing numerous suicide attempts when younger, a detox off speed and one instance where my heart stopped in the hospital courtyard because I had been given too much of a really bad trip. That was it because we were both on legal aid funding, they could only fund one of us for the full custody case not both and these hospital files were enough to tip the balance in his favour, never mind he was the one supplying me with speed.

I don’t like to talk much about this period, lets just say that I went totally off the show when I lost Joel, I was up for some serious assaults had numerous restraints orders against me and me against men in my life. I had so many shoplifting charges I couldn’t count them and at a later date thousands of dollars worth of fraud which resulted in me leaving the state and leaving my beautiful daughter with my mother. I just wanted to use and to be honest looking back on it she cramped my style I was very selfish. I wasn’t a person I would even like to hang out with.

I went to Lighting Ridge a mining town with a ratio of men to women that was 7 to 1, but first I stopped off at Sydney went home with some guys and got all my money and tablets stolen then bashed and thrown down 5 flights of stairs I woke up in the hospital with them looking down on me and wanting me out because I had so many drugs in my system. I had drugs that I didn’t even take in my system, like opiates... I wasn’t even into opiates they weren’t my thing.

Then I headed up to lightning ridge with a face that was unrecognisable it was bashed so badly to my boyfriend there , things didn’t go well and well lets just say I went through a lot more years of hell before I reached the point I am at today. Lots of rapes, lots of violent, abusive men. Charges of larceny and stealing ra ra ra

The path included NA and AA a stint in 2 different detoxes and some time in a rehab. Being 13th stepped in NA and trying to fit in there for nearly 4 years never succeeding. I ended up busting there big time I believed that if I relapsed I would do it big time so I did, self fulfilling prophecy for sure, and I ended up after doing my certificate 11 in Business Admin and holding a receptionist/accounting job for over 6 mnths losing it all. Got shipped basically back to Tasmania my home state quick smart, reunited with Shaylene at last but a mess.

Stayed with my sister, partied a lot, slept with a lot of different guys, hurt a lot of different guys. Was on dexamphetamine and valium 6 per day.

Before I went to lightning ridge my cousin my 1^st cousin all us 3 girls were close to her, her mum was my mum’s sister and her Dad was my Dads brother, well she was a nurse and a wonderful woman whose faith never seemed to falter, she witnessed an accident a car one. She ran down to help out and she snatched a little tiny girl out of the wreckage she saved her for a moment, then a motorbike came tearing round what was a blind corner and smashed straight into the wrecked car igniting my cousin Melissa and the little girl in flames. She was a national hero to all, but to me she was my cuz whom I had lost, who we all had lost. Kelly was really close to her as well, I think we have all been changed as a result of her death.

This is obviously not the end of my story but it is for now, I have gotten to the stage where I just wanted to get it out on paper , put it out there and hope that others can identify and maybe understand a bit more of where I am coming from.

The most heartache that came into my life was due to my own actions except for the deaths. I created my own misery, my own prisons, my own victim cycle and it wasn’t until I went to NA and AA that I realised that I had choices, it wasn’t until then that I realised all the basic things that I should have already known. So I owe AA and NA for that much.

Now you all know the go, I am struggling with meth addiction again, but don’t feel so hopeless about it this time round. I know addiction is a choice and I know how to stop from doing it before. I am using techniques of harm reduction in the meantime and just struggling with the existence of life and all it has to offer as each of us do.

There is a lot more that has happened in my adult life that I haven't shared as yet. Maybe in the future I shall.

Thanks for listening...

~angelbite~